Read my lips: African women are like African beers
By Bangobutho Capulet
28th Nov 2011: Ladies and beers in any drinking joint are easily comparable in specifications and performance. Lots of truisms have been used on ladies and beers. Kenyan ladies in bras and beers in bars are very similar. Holding tight, but loose at the end!
Both compete for attention from men; beers are dressed to please whilst ladies are dressed to reveal. When grabbed, both are sulky and wet! I met this lady sometime in September 2009 in a bar. The woman had an appetite three times the size of a man her size. Masticating a quarter mbuzi, in less than a quarter of an hour, she confessed her unfathomable love for me.
Generally I don’t do neurotic and depressed women, so I unashamedly responded, “…I am allergic to bullshit”. She was one woman you like seeing from a distance, when you get closer, you cringe and turn round. She was barrel round with gigantic va-va-vooms threatening to escape from the size Double-D-bra.
That reminds me of a drinking buddy in one social joint. During a sexually-social-laced talk over some drinks, he confessed to a group of us that for a man in his thirties, he never had sex. Oops! We pooled some money and secured an elderly bar-lady for him. I personally met the lady, gave her thirty US dollars and rode her to meet Amed (the same one with a huge foot that one would imagine that when he wants to turn, he has to go to a roundabout).
Amed refused to go with the withered woman! She was decorated like a war veteran, with stars and scorpions on exposed flesh, an exaggerated quest for tattoos. The woman refused to give back the money which in these days is quite a great deal. She became aggressive and wanted to squash my balls.
So I backed off and forgot about the donor funds. No wonder hurricanes are named after women. They arrive wet and wild and when they leave they empty your wallet, intimidate your dignity and leave you devastated and uncovered.
My over-weight comrade in the pub, Mzee Usikojoa-Hapa once asked us to compare top ten beers (his increasing weight is a good sign that while he is a financial underachiever he is a nutritional overachiever). After water and tea, beer is the third most popular drink on earth. According to seasoned and responsible drinkers, (like myself), the beer that comes first to mind with the mature and successful men is Heineken.
Heineken is the world’s third largest brewer and very international, good for travelers. Second in place is Pilsener, whose advert a couple of years ago was “Dressed to Please”. It’s contrary to the bra-less-pub-girls who are “Dressed to Reveal”.
In Third position is the Tanzanian Kilimanjaro (It’s Killi Time, Make the most of it!), its taste is cocky, it’s dry noisy teeth-sucking, might need to swallow a lime at the end of the spree. Fourth in place is Yokozuna, famous in Mombasa. It is scantily dressed, with blinding effects. It‘s better when you are dizzy with multi-colored bikinied bulky ladies around.
One commentator once said it is stiff and squeaky like a thong. In fifth position is Tusker, famous with college students and lazy-lifers. Of course there is Guinness in sixth place, it’s smelly and murky. Guinness tastes like charred bull’s testicles and scours the throat like one is swallowing Viagra.
On seventh position is White Cap popular with middle class boys. It is tipped to slide for the better with less malt and more ethanol. Redds and Black Ice square it out on eighth position (for the bra-less bar-girls – read girls even if they have half a dozen kids or half a crate abortions). Last on the line-up is Senator.
According to the Trini, Tony Deyal, the moral in any outrageous Bra-Bar-Queued ladies and Dead-Broke-Brats’ rankings lie in something General de Gaulle once said about France: “…How can you govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese?”
Similarly, “…how can you tame drinkers in a country with so many different types of bras and bars?” I suppose Mututho has to be stout-hearted. END. Please login to www.ugandacorrespondent.com every Monday to read our top stories and anytime mid-week for our news updates.
